National badminton player Roslin Hashim created a record of sorts when he divorced his wife just 12 days after getting married while actress Sarimah Ibrahim's much publicised nuptials only lasted three years.

P.SELVARANI finds out if young Malaysians are really ready for matrimony.

JACK AND JENNY

HE was not the man of her dreams but when he persistently wined and dined her and professed his love for her, Jenny did not have the heart to reject his offer of marriage.

"I was very much in love with another man of another religion but because my parents were strongly against it, we broke off the relationship. I was still nursing a broken heart when Jack, whom I have known since childhood, came along.

"He lifted me out of the doldrums by taking me out for a meal or a drink every now and then. Soon he started wining and dining me, bringing me flowers and gifts. Before I realised it, we were seriously dating. And although we did not share much in common - he did not like reading, music or going to the movies like I did - it didn't matter to me then because I loved the attention. It filled that emptiness within me," said the 28-year-old former executive.

When Jack proposed after almost a year of courting, Jenny said yes.

The first year was a happy one with the arrival of their firstborn and moving into their own home.

On Jack's persuasion, Jenny, gave up her job to take care of their daughter. But as time went by, the couple began to grow apart.

"I resented the fact that I was stuck at home with the baby and the housework. With a single income, we couldn't afford a maid. But what was more depressing was that I realised that I had nothing in common with my husband.

"Every time I suggested going for a movie or a play, he wouldn't be interested. I couldn't even have a decent conversation with him because all he could talk about was his job and his football. It reached a point where we hardly spoke to each other except to convey messages or to discuss matters involving our daughter. There was nothing else we could talk about because we were on totally different wavelengths."

For her daughter's sake, Jenny tried to work at her marriage. But five years down the line, she realised that she had married Jack for the wrong reasons. It was on the rebound because she had never really gotten over her previous boyfriend.

As the resentment against her husband grew and the fights between them became more frequent, they agreed to part ways.

"It wasn't the fairy tale wedding I had always dreamed of. Although I know Jack and I have some affection for each other, it isn't enough to sustain our marriage. I have custody of our daughter but Jack has weekly visiting rights and we remain good friends."

ANITA AND ANTONIO

Anita went against her family's wishes when she was swept off her feet by a visiting Italian whom she met at a friend's party.

"He was the most charming guy I had met and we discovered we had so much in common. We both love travelling, cooking and dancing. After he went back to Italy, we continued having a long distance relationship."
During his second trip to Malaysia a year later, Antonio proposed and despite her family's reservations, Anita agreed.

Soon after the wedding here, Anita, 26, followed her husband back to Italy.

"Everything was fine initially because it was a whole new experience for me. But once the excitement wore down, I felt my life was in a rut. Antonio was busy at work and after work, he would go clubbing with his friends.

"I could not find a job so I stayed home a lot, cooking and cleaning. I did not have any friends because communication was a bit of a problem. My friends were Antonio's friends. That made me clingy and insecure.

"I would wait for my husband to come home after work so that I would have someone to talk to. I insisted on following Antonio wherever he went and this began to annoy him so much we would end up having major fights.

"I realised I did not have a life and I was not financially independent, which meant that I depended on Antonio to buy everything for me! For someone who had always been financially independent, it was humiliating."
Antonio, upset with Anita's "clingy attitude", began finding fault with her. Barely a year after their marriage, Anita packed her bags, headed home and filed for a divorce.

Love will only get you so far

WHETHER you have been married for 10 years or 10 days, a relationship will only survive if the love that that couple shares is based on commitment, respect and trust.

"These are the pillars of any relationship and you have to work on this from the beginning. Without these, it's impossible to have a stable relationship that can weather all storms. If there is only a physical attraction in the relationship, that marriage may not last," said clinical psychologist Urmilah Dass, when commenting on the increasing number of divorces among young couples.

Statistics reveal that 22,289 divorces were reported in the country last year, compared with 21,051 cases in 2007.
She said many marriages among young couples (those who marry in their early 20's or even in their late teens), break down mainly because they are probably emotionally and financially unprepared for such a big, lifelong commitment.

"They may not be mature enough and are unable to deal with problems that crop up. For example, if they are not financially stable, their expectations of living a comfortable life may not be met.
"This puts more pressure on the marriage and they may begin to realise that it is not as rosy as they thought it would be," she added.

Urmilah said in many instances, especially among the Malay and Indian communities, couples are sometimes pressured into marrying at a young age because it is expected of them.

"In some communities, they think you have missed the boat if you are not married by 25 or 26. The young couple may get married to please their parents and society but are they emotionally prepared for that lifelong commitment?"
Unlike the old days when marriage was viewed as a life-time commitment, the younger generation, she said, may feel that they can always opt out of the relationship if things don't work out.
"Their tolerance level is not as high so they give up easily in the face of even minor problems. But you cannot go running home to mummy every time you have an argument. You have to sit and talk it out and reach a compromise."
There are also couples who go into the marriage with the mutual understanding that if things don't work out, they can get divorced. For these couples, divorce is an acceptable option even if they have children from the marriage.

Urmilah stressed that pride or ego often gets in the way of many young couples who are not willing to admit their weaknesses or to forgive and forget their spouse's faults.

Many also use these faults as ammunition later when the relationship turns sour.

"They are not willing to give in or reach a compromise to strengthen their relationship. Couples need to understand what commitment means and what the institution of marriage is all about. They need to be able to fulfil each other's emotional and physical needs. This is where pre-marriage counselling, which is conducted by some religious groups, helps."
"Counselling is a good thing as it may clear doubts that one may have about expectations in the marriage."
She said many young couples also forget the role of the extended family in the relationship.

"When you're married, it's not just about you and your husband. It is also about your family and his family. There is a need for both sides to respect each other. Remember, it takes two to clap although many like to blame their mothers-in-law for all the problems in the marriage!" she added.

On the other hand, Urmilah warned, "well-meaning advice" from friends and family could also work against the troubled couple.

"Couples must remember that there must be privacy and confidentiality in the relationship. Talk to each other as much as possible to work things out instead of relying on external sources for a solution because sometimes family and friends may not have the best of intentions for you and your partner when giving their advice."
Complaining about your partner to a third party, even if it's family, is another pitfall to avoid.

"Don't put your partner down in front of others, even if they are your children, as they will lose respect for the person. You will also erode your partner's self-esteem and the trust he or she had in you will eventually be lost."
She said many young couples also marry for the wrong reasons such as marrying on the rebound or marrying someone they have only known for a short time, believing that is their true love only to realise a little too late that their spouse has personality issues or other problems.

Urmilah said what is important is for couples to be in tune with each other.

"You should be able to do things together. Sometimes you don't even have to talk. All you need is to enjoy being in the presence of each other whether you are reading, going for a walk, watching the sunset or even just people-watching in the mall."
She added that while all couples will go through the ups and downs, it's important for them realise that honest communication can see them through the difficult times.

"You must be able to talk about anything and everything with your spouse. It is all about communication, understanding, respect and love. These principles cannot be swayed.

Note: Names of the interviewees have been changed to protect their privacy.