Attractive older lady divorced hubby to be with me

In 2007, I came to know a beautiful lady at my office. Both of us are from very conservative backgrounds.

She was 30 then and had been married for five years to A. They have two kids. I was 26 and attracted to her at first sight but put aside thoughts of her being my lady.

We became close friends. She has all the criteria I look for but I never took advantage of her. I helped her solve all her problems and she felt secure and comfortable with me.

When A found out about our relationship, they quarrelled frequently. She explained that I was just a good friend but he didn't trust her. He is narrow-minded, whereas she is ambitious. She then bravely voiced her feelings for me to A and asked for a separation after discussions with her family.

The three of us met and I told A my intention to marry her. He accepted it and they divorced in 2010. She handed him their children and is now staying with her brother.

Finally, I'm going to own the lady l like most. Initially, my mother was quite happy with her, but gradually, she began to show her disinterest and has asked us to put a stop to our relationship.

I'm stuck between them. I can't leave her as her family are quite unhappy with what she has done. They are against her remarrying. My friends have never accepted her, but I'm not bothered as everybody is married and starting to have their own life.

She is happy because she is not cheating on A and has feelings for me. But her past life troubles me. Whenever I make love to her, I imagine the way she had done it before. What if this keeps haunting me in future?

What will happen if her kids ask her questions later? Should they meet, will they embarrass her? I always wonder how people see us: will they talk nicely in front of us, or bad-mouth us behind our backs?

Her brother tells her there can only be one man in her life. If I marry her, she has to give up all her family members. Can we live in such an environment, just the two of us?

She is 35. If we marry soon and she conceives next year, our child will be 20 when she turns 56. How about the rest of our kids, if we have any? How will they survive?

Have we committed a sin? Sometimes I wonder why God didn't show her to me earlier as I was really looking for my dream lady.

Badly Confused

It is sad that divorced women are still viewed with scorn and negativity. There are no written rules about chastity anywhere, yet people hold on steadfastly to rigid ideas about it.

The only way there can be any change is if society changes its views. For that to happen, women and men will have to set aside their fears and anxieties about society's perceptions if they want to move on with their lives.

You say she comes from a conservative family; her brother's reaction to her decision to marry you bears this out. The same can be said for your mother and her reaction. If you and she have decided on this course for your life, it should not matter what others think.

Ideally, of course, you want to have the blessings of your respective families. You can perhaps try to explain how you feel and see if some kind of agreement or compromise can be reached so that all the parties concerned are happy.

Why would you be worried about your friends' perceptions of you? If she is the love that you describe her to be, they should be happy for you and support you in what may turn out to be a difficult period ahead.

Your challenge is to assess who your real friends are, and decide if you still want those bad-mouthing you in your life. You have been with her all these years, despite knowing she was married. You are going to have to gain some maturity in this matter and see her for what she is. Her past has contributed to what she is today; some of it is good and some, not so. That's all there is.

You say she is the kind of partner you've always wanted and you have found happiness in love. Bear this in mind when you review the decisions the two of you have made.

Whether or not there is sin, it is not anybody's place to determine that. It will have to be what your conscience tells you, given all the details about your relationship that only both of you know.

The concerns you have raised seem to reflect your anxieties about moving to the next level. You've wanted this for so long. Now that it is within your grasp, you seem to have a fear of commitment.

Talk to her about this, and some of your other concerns. The two of you are the best persons who can make the decisions here.

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