I am 32 and working in an established organisation with a fairly good career. About two years ago, I met A, a temporary clerk, at my workplace. She is eight years younger than me.
I was unsure then whether she wanted to be with me, a tomboy. Nonetheless I pursued the relationship and we're still together today.
Soon after meeting A, a friend called to say that a "datuk" was looking for a girlfriend. I joked that he should introduce us. Surprisingly, G, the datuk's "middleman" (who is also a datuk) asked to meet me to discuss things.
Some months later, my friend told me G was interested in me and was willing to pay for it. I agreed to try out the affair.
Occasionally, I had to lie to A to meet G in secret. At first she was suspicious, but I convinced her I was meeting a friend. After some time, A began to question me and control my movements. She expects me to be with her and accompany her everywhere, which annoys me.
I love A and do not have any feelings for G. But I have dreams of owning a condominium in a decent area and am struggling to save my first RM10K (S$4,000) after almost 10 years of slogging at work. With my present salary and the bleak prospect of going up the corporate ladder any time soon, I doubt I can realise my material dreams in the near future.
So I literally force myself to "sleep" with G, to get the few hundred (ringgit) after each "session". I also hope that he will buy me a condo one day.
G is nice and does not mind me having a girlfriend, or my tomboyish outlook. He listens to my problems with A and gives me advice. We meet once or twice a month, and he gives me money. Occasionally I hint to him that I don't earn much and still contribute towards my parents' expenses.
After one year, I see very little possibility of G ever giving a "good and comfortable" life, like he does for his wife. Each time I raise the subject of the condo, he tells me property prices are rising and to wait.
Whenever we meet, G will pester me to "sleep" with him in a hotel, even though I refuse to do so. After being forced to do things with G (which is against my sexuality and principles), I feel disgusted with myself. I feel my body has changed after being touched by a man, and I no longer like the idea of being touched in certain areas.
I feel anxious thinking of whether I should continue to meet G and give in to his "needs" for the money and possible long-term benefits. I'm struggling to juggle my time for work, A and G. This had affected my health and elevated my stress level.
A can be very unreasonable and annoying at times, and all this has taken a toll on my well-being and sanity. Above all, by having this secret affair, I feel that I have wronged A, who, to my knowledge, has been faithful to me.