From The Yomiuri Shimbun, Japan

Dear Troubleshooter:

I'm a female company employee in my 40s. I very much cherish my only son, a first-grader at primary school, and am raising him by praising him all the time.

But I become furious and cannot stop condemning him whenever he fails to pass an exam to advance to the next level in his after-school lessons. He has a hard time passing the tests. The following day, I always deeply regret what I did, apologize to him and encourage him, promising I will not get angry again. But I end up repeating what I did. I'm worried that I will do lasting psychological damage if I keep doing the same thing whenever he takes an achievement test or an entrance exam in the future.

Possibly because of being an only child, he is a gentle soul and not given to having run-ins with people. He is just like his father in that way. I, on the other hand, have always been strong-minded. My husband says I don't have to push him, and can go slow. I know what he means intellectually, but... How can I hold back?

F, Shizuoka Prefecture

Dear Ms. F:

Even if you know it is important to respect children's individuality and take time when raising them, it is not always easy to do things the way you would like. I'm sure mothers around the nation can identify with your pain at being obliged to repeatedly regret what you have said and done after losing your composure due to irritation with your child's mistakes.

Actually, I also have the same experience. I often became sad, thinking about how weak a person I am. But, on careful thought, perhaps you become so angry only because you love the child. Since you love the child so much, you cannot contain both anger and happiness.

Of course you should never take out your emotions directly on your small child. You need to show parental warmth, even when you have to scold. To that end, I think it is important for you as a parent to honestly admit your shortcomings.

I myself became able to not mind my child's mistakes and find them rather adorable as I started to deal with my child in the knowledge that I myself have many shortcomings and have made many mistakes. I don't feel like scolding my child and I think parents can forgive children's mistakes and go on raising them in the knowledge that they themselves are not perfect.

Masami Ohinata, professor