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By Ng Wan Ching
IT'S the way society and schools are run here that makes Singapore parents come across as strict.
"We have to adhere to certain rules and make sure our children adhere to those rules so that they can do well here," said Mr S Chua, 37, a father of one.
He and his wife think there is so much pressure in the school system that they are not going to have any more children.
"We will do our best to help our daughter achieve the best she can in this system. But if we have more children, our resources will be stretched and I'm not sure if our children can then do as well," said the civil servant.
Among the rules he and his wife enforce at home is one to make their daughter finish all her homework - assigned by her school and her Chinese language tutor - every day.
She is in kindergarten.
Then she has to practise playing the piano for about half an hour before she takes a nap for about an hour in the afternoon.
"We make it a point to put her to bed at 7.30pm every day. Otherwise she won't get enough sleep and won't be able to perform as well," said Mr Chua.
On weekends, they take her for inline skating and swimming lessons.
Other parents said that their children have to be taught to follow the rules because if they don't, they will be outcasts in their schools and among their peers.
Said Ms Karen Lim, a housewife in her 30s who has two children: "If our kids don't follow the rules or they behave in ways that society does not approve of, they risk becoming delinquent or out of step with their peers. Singapore is an unforgiving place. Once your child is labelled as a trouble-maker, chances are he'll find it very hard to move ahead."
Respect for elders
The most important rule that most parents agree on is that their children must show respect for their elders and teachers. Ms Lim asked: "If a child has no respect for elders and teachers, how is he going to follow rules?"
Psychologist Daniel Koh agreed that things are tough here. But he said that Singapore parents are about the same as those in other Asian countries.
"The difference is that Singapore parents tend to be more result-oriented and more anxious. These two factors make them stricter in their discipline of their children and in the pushing of their children to achieve," he said.
For Singapore parents, following rules alone is not enough.
"The Singapore parent says it is not enough to be a good person. You must also achieve. Singapore children are not allowed to go through trial and error, and coming in second is simply not good enough.
"They are made to follow rules and timetables that will help them to achieve," said Mr Koh, who is with Insights Mind Centre.
That's why he says it's easy for Singapore children to go overseas and adapt, but more difficult for others to come from overseas and adapt to the system here.
Clinical psychologist and director of youth services for Singapore Children's Society Carol Balhetchet said that it is also because Singapore parents tend to be very tight with their time because of their work.
"When they do spend time with their children, they need to catch up very fast with what is happening in the child's world as well as ensure their children are not breaking rules.It's a pressure cooker system," she said.
From time to time, she helps children who come from mixed marriages.
A teenager who was caught smoking was brought to see her by his mother.
"The father is Norwegian and had lived all over the world. And the boy had adapted to international schools. Now the mother wants him to adapt to a local school," she said. The mother had come back to Singapore because her own family is here.
Her advice was to either send the boy to an international school or go back to Norway, where the father was living.
"In the end, the mother sent the boy back to Norway and she went back too," said Dr Balhetchet.
This article was first published in The New Paper.
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