WHEN you realise that you have become your own worst enemy -- when the hand holding the gun to your head is your own -- you tend to forget about living and spend all your time concentrating on not pulling the trigger. But the trigger-finger is in your head. You can't run away from it. It's there 24-7. You either survive it or lose your mind or start looking for a cemetery plot. It's not a choice. You have to do what it takes to survive.

My battle with depression began in late 2003, when I lost my mother, my home and my boyfriend, within three months.

Any of these can cause depression, but all three at the same time drained my brain of serotonin, the neurochemical that keeps you happy. In cases of clinical depression, doctors present you a banquet of drugs: Prozac, Zoloft, Effexor, Cymbalta, Valium, Lorazepam, Xanax, Mirtazapine, Escitalopram.

I underwent therapy before I was put on anti-depressants, and went on a merry-go-round from one type to another to see which one worked best.

There is a myth about anti-depressants. They don't make you feel better within minutes or hours. It takes two to three weeks for your brain to realign.

Believe me, when you're constantly battling the enemy in your head, two weeks is a lifetime. I couldn't sleep for days, because my embattled mind wouldn't let me. Thank God for tranquillisers, which helped me sleep.

So what's it like? It feels like you can't breathe, your chest aches all the time, and your mind is occupied by a stranger constantly feeding you thoughts of worthlessness, self-hatred, despair and dread.

You cry all the time but you don't know why and you can't stop yourself. Your eyes are open but you don't see anything. You speak but you don't know what you're saying and no one cares anyway, so you shut up.

In society, you feel like everyone is talking about you. So you stop going out. Eventually, not even out of your room.

I lost 10kg in less than a month; 20kg over three months of my treatment. My blood pressure went haywire; I couldn't stand up without blacking out. My skin was pale from never seeing the sun. The medication helped me sleep all day and all night, getting up only to take another dose or go to the loo.

The pills have their side effects. Some cause dizziness, low blood pressure, strange dreams, being jittery (try sleeping when your feet can't stop twitching), fatigue, palpitations and nausea. Things either move too slowly or too fast.

This is when you learn who your true friends are. They're the ones who stand by you even when you've metamorphosed into someone they barely recognise.

My friends forced me to come out, fed me (even though whatever came in would almost instantly come back out) and stayed with me to make sure I woke up the next day.

And eventually, with their help and by the grace of God, I woke up and saw that the sun was still shining. And it felt good to feel its heat on my face.

Have I won my battle? I don't know. Only time will tell. But every day I say a prayer and hope the black dog will never return.