YOU KNOW when a kid keeps puffing and puffing into a balloon. The rubber's getting so see-through you can see the kid looking like a hamster-cheeked beetroot on the other side. Surely the balloon can't stretch any more? The tension's unbearable.

When it finally explodes, Granny's a goner, you're 10 years closer to following her, the cat'll be stuck up the tree for an hour and the kid's rolling about in fits of giggles.

My theory is that football's going to go pop pretty soon as well. I'm not sure who'll be left dead, dying, stranded or laughing, but there are going to be bits everywhere.

The 'Club versus Country Row'. Historians will study it one day. The Cold War? Pah! Those guys knew nothing about stand-offs. The bitching between club and international managers has been going on forever. Perhaps instead of friendlies in international weeks we could release 10 supermodels into a department store selling only five designer handbags. Spice things up a bit.

And yet. I had a sneaky feeling things were different this week. As if the foundations of international football were turning from blancmange to full-on jelly. England's first-teamers picked up niggles with particularly sweet timing. If they could co-ordinate their play as well as they do their bruised ribs and tweaked Achilles tendons England fans could book their World Cup tickets right away.

Fabio Capello then hauled all those trying to get out of PE to the England camp to show their sick notes to his own doctors. Which was just a tiny bit like accusing the managers of the country's most powerful clubs of lying.

Then Theo Walcott walked into the middle of this unholy mess and popped his shoulder out of its socket during England training. Hopefully after patching Theo up the ambulance drove on to Wenger Towers, with breathing equipment at the ready.

England's insurers may pay Arsenal compensation. Nice, but not much good when there's a big hole in your forward line and you can't buy anyone to fill it.

Europe's biggest clubs were threatening to sue Fifa over injuries picked up on international duty. Earlier this year Sepp Blatter managed to strike a deal and convince them to put away their growly sharp-toothed lawyers. But it sure is one delicate ceasefire.

Puff, puff. Balloon now bigger than child's head.

Cooking up

Now France's sports minister is cooking up something really big. He wants all European leagues to be ruled centrally by Uefa. No more national associations. No more FA.

Sound daft? That's what they said - mostly in England - when the French suggested the World Cup and European Cup (now the Champions League).

Problem is, the Premier League's doing so well because English clubs are allowed to get away with murder. Last year Chelsea and Manchester United owed ??pounds;1.2 billion ($2.7b) between them. French clubs are not allowed to be in debt.

It's really quite a nice little idea that the French have come up with. Everyone would have to play by the same rules.

It would be like all Formula One drivers competing in the same car, instead of a handful having the best engines, most expensive chassis and richest owners. Sport heaven. The only slight snag could be all the Russian and Middle Eastern billionaires you'll upset along the way.

Puff, puff. Kid's eyes bulging dangerously.

This week Manchester United fans are reporting their club for allegedly breaching laws with their season ticket pricing. United season ticket holders are forced to pay for cup games as well as league games. So they haven't a clue at the start of the season how much their ticket will cost.

Football clubs have customers to die for. Fans are not that fussed about the quality of the product and are prepared to be endlessly ripped off.

Or at least they were.

Bang?