WELCOME, my dear friends, to the third annual Iain Macintosh Awards.

Who would have thought that this modest ceremony, hastily typed out in the confused fog of a post-Christmas cheese coma, could have survived so long?

When this feature first began we lived in a world of Didier Drogba dives, of a pretty but ineffective Arsenal and of a Tottenham side just one transitional season away from greatness.

How times have changed, eh?

But pardon, gentles all, I'm holding up the main event.

Get yourself a slice of cake and a good stiff drink, settle yourself down in your favourite chair and enjoy.

Welcome to the Iain Macintosh Awards.

The Dodgy Tackle Award for Outright Assault

ASHLEY Cole is unpopular with pretty much everyone in the civilised world, but he somehow managed to soil his reputation further at White Hart Lane in March by attempting to amputate Alan Hutton's leg with his studs.

This horrifying example of home surgery was bad enough, but it was his now-legendary display of petulance to referee

Mike Riley that took the biscuit.

What a thoroughly unlikeable man.

The George W Bush Award for Incompetence In The Workplace

EVEN the most vivid imagination would struggle to think of a way that Paul Jewell could have performed any worse at Derby County.

In little over a year at Pride Park, the former Wigan boss won just seven games from 50, was relegated from the Premier League, suffered the indignity of a very public sex scandal and lost a key player when Tyrone Mears sneaked out of the club to go for a trial in France.

The Kofi Annan Award for International Diplomacy

WITH utter contempt for irony, William Gallas conveniently forgot about his astonishing temper tantrum at St Andrews and went on to accuse his younger team-mates of lacking the stomach for a title challenge.

The highly-strung Frenchman wasn't done there. He lashed out at unnamed team-mates, left clues as to their identity and essentially penned the world's most effective resignation note. Extraordinary.

The Peter Ridsdale Award for The World's Worst Chairman

ONLY a team as hapless as Newcastle could somehow find a worse chairman than Freddy Shepherd.

In just over a year in the North-East, Mike Ashley alienated the fans, forced Kevin Keegan to resign and made the sale of the club impossible by releasing a public statement that revealed to the world just how much financial doo-doo the Magpies were actually in.

Quite how Ashley made a fortune in retail is a mystery.

The Bear Stearns Award for A Sudden Reversal In Fortunes

IN THE summer of 2008, Juande Ramos was a hero.

He'd led Tottenham out of the relegation zone, secured a famous victory over Chelsea at Wembley and captured some of Europe's most desirable footballers.

But, by the time the leaves were falling from the trees, he was a lost cause. With Luka Modric in defensive midfield, David Bentley on the left and Heurelho Gomes flapping abjectly in goal, Spurs were in a fatal tail-spin.

Juande was kicked to the kerb.

The Ashley Cole Award for Disloyalty

LET'S get things straight. If Cristiano Ronaldo didn't want to leave Manchester United, he could have said so at any time in 2008, but he didn't.

Not content with playing for arguably the world's greatest club, and certainly for the world's greatest manager, he sought to engineer a move to that bastion of insanity, the Bernabeu, and he did it by memorably agreeing with Sepp Blatter's description of him as 'a slave'. If slavery is that well-paid, you can clap me in irons any time.