Dear Santa Claus,

SINCE Christmas is nearly upon us I felt now is the time that I should write to you with my wish list.

I feel that I have been a reasonably good boy all year and therefore this Christmas I deserve a bumper haul of presents.

My misdemeanours were small. No harm was done when I put Carlton Palmer's luxury SUV on e-bay with a price tag of $100 and I don't think his dry cleaners really minded when I switched the lights off in the studio toilets while Trevor Sinclair was mid flow!

However, Santa, I would like to say that last year there was a bit of a misunderstanding.

Yes, I did ask for Newcastle United to be top of the table in 2009 but I actually meant the Premier League and not the Coca Cola Championship.

Please, if you could, rectify your error.

Also, Santa, you said that if I did more for the children of the world you would make me look like Brad Pitt.

Well I went to Cambodia, Santa, and adopted 38 orphans and, to be frank, Angelina Jolie was not lying next to me this morning when I woke up. (Although it looked like her when I left the bar last night.)

I will start with my stocking fillers. A ticket to the World Cup Finals in South Africa would be nice plus a bullet proof vest and a bodyguard.

I can't have one without the other, Santa, so consider this a package.

Secondly, a job at Manchester City. Anything will do - I hear that the ticket collectors at the Eastlands turnstiles all now have offshore bank accounts in the Cayman Islands.

I would like that nasty character Michael Brown of Portsmouth ejected from the Premier League and if you can organise Dennis Wise to be tied up in a Sunderland shirt and left in the Gallowgate end at St James' Park on matchday, I would be forever grateful.

No more Monday Night Football please, Santa, it's killing me. Video referees would also be nice as would goal- line technology.

Am I being cheeky by requesting Celtic and Rangers be allowed into the Premier League? If you need to keep the numbers down, Santa, then feel free to remove Sunderland and Bolton.

Just a request for one of my friends as he can't read or write.

My mate Stevie G needs a new stadium, if you can just leave it in Stanley Park please, Santa, instead of trying to squeeze it down my chimney - it would be easier for all of us.

Finally, Santa, the big one.

If you can orchestrate with your special powers for England to win the World Cup next year I will never again say you are as fat as Andy Reid of Sunderland!

Yours in football,
Joe