Do you really support Southend United? Don't you support a proper team as well?
How dare you. Southend are a proper team!
Actually, when I was a kid, I used to like Liverpool, mainly because they were always on television. But then my dad took me to a Southend game on my 12th birthday and I was hooked.
I stood on the terrace surrounded by noise and the smell of fried onions and I fell head over heels in love with it.
We were top of the table that day, playing a team in the relegation zone.
It should have been easy, but it was as if some greater power wanted me to prepare for a life of disappointment. Southend somehow managed to lose that game 0-1.
Supporting Southend is like being into a really obscure rock band.
You watch them play in dirty, smelly bars, you buy their albums when no-one else does and when they make it big, you get to feel all proud of yourself.
Who's your favourite player of all time?
Eric Cantona.
I actually used to despise Manchester United in the 90s, but it was impossible not to love him.
He wasn't a footballer, he was a rock star.
He scored a goal against Sunderland once, a ridiculous lob from outside the penalty area that took an eternity to drop into the net.
Most players would have peeled off their shirt and started climbing up the floodlights. Not Cantona.
He just stood there with his hands in the air, taking it all in. 'Yes, I am Cantona,' he seemed to be thinking, 'and yes, I am better than all of you.'
Brilliant.
What's your favourite football memory?
I don't have to go very far back through the mists of time for this one.
Southend 1 Manchester United 0.
We beat them, despite the fact that they had Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo on the pitch.
I have never, ever, been as drunk as I was that night.
For days afterwards I was getting emails and phonecalls from people I hadn't seen in years.
To take you back to that obscure rock band analogy, it was like Southend had gone from playing at The Dog & Duck to opening Live Aid at Wembley.
Magnificent.
If you were a footballer, what kind of player would you be?
Oooh. Good question.
In real life, I'm absolutely atrocious at football, but I always try really hard. I suppose that makes me Phil Neville, doesn't it?
