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Neil Humphreys
Friday, May 16, 2014

Sports

EPL: And the Wacky Award goes to...

The New Paper | Neil Humphreys | Friday, May 16, 2014

Cardiff owner Vincent Tan’s (above) side dropped down to the Championship, after finishing bottom of the English Premier League.

Everyone knows that Luis Suarez is the player of the season, narrowly edging out Carlton Cole.

Similarly, the whole world is aware that Ryan Giggs is the manager of the season. Well, he was at Manchester United at least. So to make things more interesting, here's the alternative Wacky Awards for the 2014 EPL season.

GANGSTER OF THE YEAR - VINCENT TAN

He had the pristine white shirt and the black trousers with a Simon Cowell waistband so high it cut into his armpits.

But there was also the slicked hair, the arbitrary sacking of personnel and the appointment of family friends and cronies. Most of all, there were the dark sunglasses.

He is the chairman of Cardiff City. The sun appears less often than Wilfried Zaha in Cardiff.

Tan donned the sunglasses in the morning, noon and dark. He looked like a man who couldn't see what was around him, a bit like Cardiff's strikers.

BORING PLAYER OF THE YEAR - LUIS SUAREZ

Suarez (below) scored for fun. He assisted teammates. His professionalism was beyond reproach.

We expected the Joker. We got stuck with Clark Kent. Suarez used to bite people. Now he cries when he loses football matches. Hannibal Lecter turned into Fann Wong.

SIGNINGS OF THE SEASON - EVERYONE AT TOTTENHAM (EXCEPT CHRISTIAN ERIKSEN)

Spurs spent more than £200 million ($422m) replacing Gareth Bale.

Someone claimed the club had sold Elvis and bought The Beatles. In reality, they bought Gerry and the Pacemakers.

And they played like they were fitted with pacemakers. That's probably a cultural reference beyond younger readers so imagine selling Facebook and being lumbered with MySpace instead. That was Tottenham's midfield.

CONFUSED MANAGER OF THE YEAR - DAVID MOYES

Moyes took over Man United.

He thought he was taking over Mansfield Town. No one thought to correct him.

In press conferences, he spoke about his hopes of a positive result, at home, to the likes of Everton and Newcastle, which it would have been, if he'd been manager of Mansfield.

He was convinced that Marouane Fellaini was a Mansfield player, which he was. And he was adamant that a Champions League quarter-final place was a stupendous achievement considering the circumstances - he thought he was managing Mansfield.

PANIC BUY OF THE SEASON - KOSTAS MITROGLOU

Fulham lavished £11m on the Greek striker in January. He started once, came off the bench twice and scored - not once.

The club couldn't have been any more wasteful if they'd given the £11m to the Kardashians in a handbag shop. (That said, there is a rumour that whenever the Kardashians get bored with wasting money on frivolous purchases, they hand it over to Tottenham to buy Erik Lamela).

MISS OF THE SEASON - ALAN PARDEW

He was a foot away from David Meyler's forehead and still missed.

Despite standing eyeball to eyeball with the Hull midfielder, the Newcastle manager planted his head-butt somewhere in Meyler's nipple.

It wasn't so much violent assault as it was a clumsy first date. Rather than a brutal, belligerent attack, the incident looked like the playful nuzzle of a kitten.

Had Pardew stayed in Meyler's bosom any longer, he would've started purring and gone to sleep.

This article was published on May 14 in The New Paper.

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