A Singapore press holdings portal

Sports

Neil Humphreys
Friday, May 2, 2014

Sports

Humour: How Jose gets away with murder

The New Paper | Neil Humphreys | Friday, May 2, 2014

With Chelsea preparing for their season-defining clash against Atletico Madrid tomorrow morning (Singapore time), the Jose Mourinho bandwagon is rolling into overdrive.

He is loved. He is hated, often at the same time, by the same person.

But there's no doubt that the publicity magnet continues to draw praise like no other manager in world football.

So, ahead of the second leg of the Champions League semi-final, here is a guide to how Mourinho (right) is treated compared to other managers.

If Mourinho parks the bus: He is lauded for being a sporting alchemist with a profound, almost Nostradamus-like ability to see the future and read the minds of opposing managers and players. He is both inspired and inspiring.

If Sam Allardyce parks the bus: He is an idiot.

If Mourinho looks like a tramp: He is a laidback, erudite Europhile with swept-back hair and designer stubble.

If Tim Sherwood looks like a tramp: He is a scruffy, outdated throwback to the 1990s and the days of managers in shiny shell-suits.

If Steve Bruce looks like a tramp: What else is new? No, that's a little bit harsh, but he should at least tuck his shirt in on the touchline. He looks like a greedy schoolboy waiting for an extra serving of pudding.

If Mourinho steals the ball from an opposing player: He's a tactical genius, taking the ball from Steven Gerrard, disrupting Liverpool's attacking momentum and stopping the Reds from playing.

If Mauricio Pochettino steals the ball from an opposing player: He waits for a translator to ask him to give the ball back in Spanish.

If Alan Pardew steals the ball from an opposing player: It would be a first. He usually head-butts them.

If Mourinho plays with a false No. 9 as a striker: He is lauded for pulling an opponent's defence out of position, confusing the centre backs and making a mess of their formation.

If Arsene Wenger plays with a false No. 9 as a striker: He is savaged for not buying a centre forward in the January transfer window and accused of being tighter than a duck's backside.

If Norwich play with a false No. 9 as a striker: It makes no difference. They've picked false strikers all season.

If Mourinho criticises officials for decisions that went against Chelsea: He is playing mind games again, putting pressure on officials to give the Blues the benefit of the doubt in future fixtures.

If Manuel Pellegrini criticises the referee: No one really notices because everyone in the press conference has nodded off. He makes paint-drying look like a modern art exhibition.

If Felix Magath criticises the referee: No one really hears because everyone is giggling at his accent.

If Mourinho is accused of playing anti-football: He says: "Look at Crystal Palace. Now that's what I call real anti-football."

If Tony Pulis is accused of playing anti-football: He says: "Look at West Ham. Now that's what I call real anti-football."

If Allardyce is accused of playing anti-football: He says: "Yeah, all right."

If a Chelsea player commits a bad foul: Mourinho draws attention to an equally poor tackle made by an opponent to deflect criticism.

If a Sunderland player commits a bad foul: Manager Gus Poyet shrugs his shoulders. No other team commit as many poor tackles as Sunderland.

If Mourinho puts eight men behind the ball: It's called tactical genius.

If Ole Gunnar Solskjaer puts eight men behind the ball: It's called another Saturday afternoon in Cardiff.

If Mourinho turns the final bend of an athletics track and finds himself on the shoulders of the leaders: He says: "The race is over. I cannot win."

If Wenger turns the final bend of an athletics track and finds himself on the shoulders of the leaders: He says: "There should be a medal for finishing fourth."

If Mourinho is caught with blood on his hands after murdering someone: He blames the referee and the referee's assistants, the English Premier League for the fixture congestion and the media for stoking his fire... and then finishes with a funny sound-bite and everyone forgives him. He goes on to win Murderer of the Year.

If Brendan Rodgers is caught with blood on his hands after murdering someone: He is accused of not having a Plan B.

If Ryan Giggs is caught with blood on his hands: He is accused of murdering David Moyes.

If Mourinho joins the angels, high in the clouds: He says "There's room for only one chosen one up here."

If Allardyce joins the angels, high in the clouds: He says" "Has anyone seen our ball? We just sent one up for Andy Carroll."

This article was published on April 30 in The New Paper.

Get The New Paper for more stories.

No comments yet.
Be the first to post comment.