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Psst, Suarez, how do you score again?

The New Paper | Neil Humphreys | Friday, Apr 25, 2014

Liverpool's Sterling shoots and scores his goal against Norwich City during their English Premier League soccer match at Carrow Road in Norwich.

USA - There is going to be a stunning goal-scoring performance from Fernando Torres on TV this Sunday. It's going to be shown on the History Channel.

OK, that's a little unfair. Jose Mourinho did praise him this week (which is a bit like Ronald McDonald praising a cow).

But Torres has certainly got plenty on his mind. On Sunday, Chelsea visit Liverpool at Anfield in what is looking ever more like a title decider.

The Spaniard needs goals like his coaching staff need restraining orders.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. On the eve of Chelsea's Champions League semi-final against Atletico Madrid, Torres called up an EPL striker who has been more reliable in front of goal this season. He called 12 different strikers. Finally, he got through to Luis Suarez...

Torres: Hello, Luis? It's Fernando.

Suarez: What is? The Abba song?

Torres: No, it's me, Fernando Torres. Don't tell anyone I've called, but I need your help. It's a delicate matter. You're the only one who can give me advice on this.

Suarez: You've bitten Branislav Ivanovic, too? He can be an annoying player. Just gargle some antiseptic mouthwash and then...

Torres: No, it's not that. I don't bite defenders. I can't get anyone near them.

Suarez: So, what is it then?

Torres: I need to be able to do something that - let's be honest - only you can do at the moment.

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