By Kimberly Spykerman

TOUGH love dishes out some pretty hard lessons - and not just for the child.

Parents, too, endure growing pains.

News reports over the past two months reveal that more parents are blowing the whistle on their out-of-control children. One father called the police on his glue-sniffing 14-year-old daughter.

No surprise then that youth on the receiving end are not fans of tough love. Often, they feel betrayed because they think parents are duty-bound to protect them, not give them up. One former glue sniffer said if his mother had called the cops while he was an addict, he would have been livid.

'A record could have ruined my future,' said the 21-year-old. 'Going to the police should be her last resort, only after she's tried everything else and failed.'

This perceived injustice makes it difficult for youth to comprehend the depth of love needed for tough love.

After all, busting their own children is not something parents want to do. They would prefer domestic squabbles are kept private.

But tough love is a modern concept, and parents who go for it are admitting that they, too, need help. That calls for both courage and humility.

Most importantly, these measures give children a better chance of recovery.

A parent I spoke to recently puts this point into perspective.

Four years ago, he noticed his 16-year-old daughter - the only girl among his three children - becoming withdrawn and losing a lot of weight. In three months, she lost 12kg, frightening her father so much that he rushed her to the hospital, despite her angry protests.

As it turned out, he was not a moment too soon - she was suffering from a serious case of anorexia nervosa and had a 20per cent chance of death.

Her father had never before heard of the illness, a mental condition which causes sufferers to think they are fat and to diet excessively to shed weight.

He was shattered when he was told his daughter was suffering from it. More so, that she could die.

He questioned his own parenting abilities, as social workers told him his daughter's illness was probably caused by deep feelings of inadequacy, stemming from her parents' rocky relationship. She also felt neglected, believing her father loved her brothers more.

It was a revelation for him: 'I never even realised she felt this way. I made mistakes as a parent, and therefore I was also at fault for her illness.'

To make things right, he galvanised the family into improving their relationship. He stopped the shouting matches with his wife. The family also made it a point to bond over board games every day before dinner.

His daughter, now 20, has recovered.

The father can claim responsibility for a family that is more cohesive and at peace.

No doubt, when it comes to tough love, it takes the tough to see it through.

While it is not the first thought that occurs to a youth who is being given up - literally kicking and screaming - with age and maturity, and a shot at a better life, they will thank their parents. Eventually.

kimspyke@sph.com.sg

This article was first published in The Straits Times.