By Vivien Chan

THEY ARE in their 50s, and their children are grown-up and independent.

Then, any pretence of a happy marriage fades, and the relationship falls apart.

That scenario seems to be playing out more and more, with an increase in the number of middle-age divorces.

Photo: WanBao

The sudden death of a 54-year-old woman, after her husband wanted to end their marriage, has put this issue starkly in focus.

Mrs Tan (not her real name) fell to her death last weekend, after her husband confessed to having had an affair for years. He also asked for a divorce.

They had been married for more than three decades.

The couple's daughter, who wanted to be known only as Mrs Hong told The New Paper that her mother became depressed after her father revealed his infidelity.

Twice she tried to hurt herself but Mr Tan intervened, she said.

Mrs Hong, 27, and her husband live with her parents in an HDB flat in Jurong East. She requested that her parents not be named.

On Saturday, Mr Tan, 59, was playing "weiqi" (also known as "Go") on the Internet when his wife called out to him.

He saw her seated on the window ledge in the kitchen. He got up and went to his daughter's room to alert her and her husband.

But before they could react, Mrs Tan had fallen to her death from their 11th storey flat.

Now, Mr Tan is resented by his daughter and relatives who blame him for his wife's death.

He confessed to Lianhe Wanbao that he had been having an affair with a woman for the past six years and suggested to his wife that they get a divorce.

No longer loved wife

He said that although he no longer loved his wife, he still cared for her.

"I thought it would be better if both of us lived our own lives and pursued our own dreams," said the retiree.

"I said I would give her a lump sum maintenance payment and visit her regularly. She accepted it."

Photo: WanBao

Mr Tan said he never thought his suggestion would have a tragic outcome.

He added that while he had many women friends, he has had only one affair.

He declined to reveal more about his mistress, saying only that they met in Singapore.

Mrs Tan is from Penang, Malaysia.

Shin Min Daily News reported that she met Mr Tan after moving to Johor Baru years ago to live with her sisters.

After the couple got married, Mrs Tan worked as a seamstress to support her husband as he was still studying.

After he completed his studies and became an accountant, she continued working to contribute to the household income.

Recalling the events last Saturday, Mrs Hong, an administrative assistant, said her father was playing "weiqi" as usual.

"He spends hours every day on the game," she said.

"At about 5pm, my mother called out to him from the kitchen window."

Mrs Tan had called out "daddy", a nickname she used for her husband.

"He took a look at her, and went to call my husband and me instead, before returning to his game."

That's when Mrs Tan fell to her death.

Mrs Hong, the couple's only child, recalled that the last thing her mother said to her was "eat well" when they spoke at lunch-time.

She added that her mother had been depressed in recent months.

On Friday night, the freelance seamstress had dressed herself in "all white" and told her son-in-law that she wanted to go for a walk.

"It was in the middle of the night. She had never done that before," said Mrs Hong.

Though Mr Tan said he has had "no more love" for his wife in the last 10 years, Mrs Hong said her mother continued to love him.

They were married for 34 years.

She said: "When he was still working as an accountant, she would fetch his shoes and iron his clothes every morning.

"She would sleep on a mattress on the floor so that he could sleep on the bed nearer the fan."

Recently, however, she noticed that her mother had returned to sleeping beside him.

She added that her mother had confided in her best friend about her problems.

Daughter to sever ties with dad

Mrs Hong, who continued to live with her parents after she got married a year ago, said she is waiting for her own flat, due in 2012.

After that, she said, she plans to sever all ties with her father.

When The New Paper visited the family's flat on Monday evening, Mr Tan was bare-bodied and sitting at the dining table, using his computer.

He said that despite his affair, his wife had continued to love him.

"She was a good wife and a good mother," he said.

"Now, the whole world blames me. Nobody wants to listen to my explanation, and nobody wants to accept me.

This is something I have to face."

When contacted yesterday, Mr Tan declined to comment further.

He said in Mandarin: "I don't want to say anything more. I still need to lead my life."

'No reason to stay after kids grow up'

WHY do older couples get divorced after so many years of marriage?

Said a counsellor from a family service centre, who wanted to be known only as Mr Lee: "Most hold on for their kids.

"When the kids grow up, there's no reason for them to stay together any more."

Mr Lee explained that for many of these couples, their feelings for each other would already have faded when they were younger.

Another counsellor, Mrs Kam-Poh Ee-Lyn, who has counselled more such couples in recent years, agreed.

She said: "Sometimes, when you have kids, the strain of taking care of them can be very tiring, and couples stop communicating.

"When you stop communicating, you drift apart."

Usually, couples stay together when their children are still young.

"But, when the children grow up, become independent and lead their own lives, these couples realise it's just the two of them left, and they have nothing much to talk about," she said.

Mrs Kam-Poh offered another possible reason - unmet needs.

"When their needs are not met, there is a breakdown in the relationship," she said.

Mr Lee also said that by the time such couples turn to counselling, one party would already have made up his or her mind to get a divorce.

He said: "After so many years together, it's usually very hard for the other party to accept it."

Mr David Kan, executive director and co-founder of the Family Life Centre said that in cases where extra-marital affairs are involved, the other spouse can have many responses.

"They may be shocked, overwhelmed, go into denial or even be too stunned to react."

Mr Kan pointed out the importance of addressing the grief.

He said: "If they don't address the grief or ordeal, some may just succumb to it and do something silly to themselves or their spouse."

The "period of recovery" is important too, he said, whether it means going for counselling or having a support network of loved ones.

Mr Kan also said that once divorce is decided upon, it is important for the spouse to "chart the course" for the next phase of life

This article was first published in The New Paper.